കടക്കാരൻ.

കടക്കാരൻ.

വാസുക്കുട്ടൻ നായർ അന്ന് ഉറക്കമുണർന്നതു പതിവിലും ശാന്തനായാണു.സ്വതവെ ഒരിക്കലും തീരില്ലെന്നു ഏവർക്കുമറിയുന്ന ബാധ്യതകളോരോന്നായി അയാളെ പലചരക്കു കടക്കാരന്റെയൊ പലിശക്കാരുടെയൊ പിന്നെ പരിചയമുല്ലവരുടേയും ഇല്ലത്തവരുടേയും ഒക്കെ രൂപത്തിൽ വിളിചുണർത്തുകായാണു പതിവു. കാരണങ്ങൾ തേടി പോകാതെ വഴിതെറ്റി വന്ന മനസ്സമാധാനത്തെ പരമാവധി മുതലാക്കാൻ തന്നെ അയാൾ തീരുമനിചു. അറുപതു വർഷങ്ങൾക്കു മുൻപു അങ്ങിനെ പട്ടിണിയും പരിവട്ടവുമായി കഴിഞ്ഞു പോയ ഒരു ബാല്യകാലത്തിനു ശേഷം അന്നാദ്യമായി അയാൾ പുരത്തു മഴ തിമിർക്കുംബോൾ പുതപ്പിൽ ചുരുളുന്നതിന്റെ സുഖമറിഞ്ഞു. ഇടക്കെപ്പോഴോ കൊചുമക്കളും വന്നിലലോ ശല്യപ്പെടുത്താൻ എന്നാലോചിചെങ്കിലും പഠിക്കാനുണ്ടാകുമെന്നു സൗകര്യപ്രദമായ ഒരു ന്യായവും അയാൾ കണ്ടെത്തി. ഉറക്കം പോയിട്ടും അങ്ങനെ കിടക്കാനൊരു സുഖം.

പണ്ടിതു പോലൊരു തണുപ്പത്തു ശാന്തമ്മയേം കെട്ടിപ്പിടിചു കിടന്നതോർത്തു അയാൾ ഊറിചിരിചു. ഒന്നല ഒത്തിരി പ്രഭാതങ്ങൾ.അന്നൊക്കെ നെലിനും തേങ്ങക്കുമൊക്കെ നല വില കിട്ടുന്ന കാലമായിരുന്നു. പിന്നാമ്പുറം നിറയെ പചക്കറികളും. അങ്ങനെ മനസമാധാനമായിരിക്കുമ്പൊഴൊക്കെ അയാൾ ശാന്തമ്മയേയും സ്നേഹിചു. പിന്നെ വില കുറയുമ്പോൾ,പാടങ്ങൽ നോക്കി നോക്കി നിൽക്കെ ഒരൊരുത്തർ വന്നു കൊണ്ടു പൊകുമ്പോഴൊക്കെ അയാൾ മറ്റു പരിഭവങ്ങൾക്കിടയിൽ അവളേയും മറന്നു. ഒടുവിലായപ്പോൾ കാലത്തു പത്രത്തിനൊപ്പം കിട്ടുന്ന കട്ടൻ ചായയിലൊതുങ്ങി അവൾ. പിന്നെ എപ്പോഴൊ അതു ദീനം പിടിചു മരിചപ്പൊ ആ ചായയും നിന്നു. ഒരു ദീർഘനിശ്വാസത്തോടെ വാസുക്കുട്ടൻ തിരിഞ്ഞു കിടന്നു.

മഴയായതുകൊണ്ടായിരിക്കും ഒരുത്തനും കയറി വന്നു തെറി പറയാത്തത്‌.അലെങ്കിൽ അതും ഒരു ശീലമായി. പത്രോം നിന്നു, കട്ടൻ ചായേം നിന്നു.അപ്പൊ പുതിയോരോ തമാശകൾ രാവിലെ. ദാരിദ്ര്യം അയാൾക്കൊരു ശാപമെന്നതിലുപരി ഒരു ശീലമായി മാറിയിരുന്നു. അത്‌ വിഷമമൊട്ടും ഉണ്ടാക്കിയതുമില, തന്റെ തൊഴിലിൽ ആരും ഗതി പിടിചയാൾ കണ്ടതുമില. ഇരുപത്‌ ഏക്കറുലവനാണു ഇപ്പൊ കൂടുതൽ ദരിദ്രൻ. പിന്നെയാ ഇലതെയിലാതെയായ ഈ ഇരുപത്‌ സെന്റ്‌. അതൊക്കെ നോക്കുമ്പൊ ഇതൊരു സ്വർഗ്ഗമലെ.

മഴമാറി വെയിലു തെളിഞ്ഞപ്പൊ തെല്ലു നീരസത്തോടെ അയാളെഴുന്നേറ്റു.ഉമ്മറത്തേക്കു ഏന്തി നടന്നു. വാതം പിടിചെപ്പിന്നെ നടത്തത്തിനു ഈയൊരു വലിച്ചിൽ പതിവാണു. വലിഞ്ഞു വലിഞ്ഞു ഉമ്മറത്തെത്തിയപ്പൊ ഒരു ചാരു കസേരേം അതിന്റടുത്തതാ കട്ടൻ ചായേം. അതും നല്ല ചുടോടെ. ശാന്തമ്മോ. അയാളറിയാതെയൊന്നു വിളിചു പോയി.ദൂരെ നിന്നൊരു മറുവിളി കേട്ടോ ആവോ. പിന്നെ അയാളു തന്നത്താനിരുന്നു ചിരിക്കാൻ തുടങ്ങി. കെട്ടിയോനും ഇട്ടെചു പോയി വീട്ടി നിക്കുന്ന ഈ ഇളയ സന്താനം എന്നു തൊട്ടാ എന്റെ ശീലങ്ങളും പഠിച്ചെ? അല്ലേ പിന്നെ മൊത്തം പരാതി പറച്ചിലായിരിക്കും. മൂത്ത മോനു കൊടുത്ത പാടത്തിന്റേം പരമ്പിന്റേം, അവടെ പെണ്മക്കളെ ഇനിയൊരി പത്തു പതിനാറു കൊല്ലം കഴിഞ്ഞു കെട്ടിക്കാനുല്ലതാന്നും അങ്ങനെയങ്ങനെ! ഇന്നു പത്രോം ഇട്ടോ?അയാൾ കൂടുതലാലോചിക്കാൻ നിന്നില്ല. ഒന്നുകിൽ വട്ടു പിടിചിരിക്കണം,അതല്ലെങ്കിൽ എന്തൊ നല്ല കാര്യം നടന്നിട്ടുണ്ടു. കൂടുതലാലൊച്ചിച്ചു അതില്ലാതാക്കുന്നതെന്തിനു.ഇന്നും ആരെങ്കിലുമൊക്കെ വിഷം കുടിക്കുവോ തൂങ്ങുവോ ഒക്കെ ചെയ്തിട്ടുണ്ടാകും.കൂട്ടുകാരിൽ പലരും വിട്ടു പോയതു അങ്ങനെയാണല്ലൊ. ഒടുവിൽ ഒരു അശ്വാസത്തിനൊരു ജപ്തി നോട്ടീസ്‌ കിട്ടും. അതണിപ്പൊ പാസ്സ്പോർട്‌. അതു കിട്ടിയാപ്പിന്നെ നിക്കണമെന്നില്ല. അലോചിച്ചു തുടങ്ങാം എന്താ വെണ്ടതെന്നു. അങ്ങനെ പരതുമ്പോൾ ഒരു നിമിഷം അയളുടെ കണ്ണുകളെവിടെയോ ഉടക്കി നിന്നു.

നല്ല കട്ടിക്കണ്ണട വച്ചു മെലിഞ്ഞു കുറുകിയ ഒരു തല. അതിനു താഴെ സ്വന്തം പേരും എഴുതി വച്ചിരിക്കുന്നു. കണ്ണാടി കണ്ടിട്ടു കാലമൊരുപാടു കഴിഞ്ഞതിനാൽ അയാൾക്കു അതു തന്റെ ഫോട്ടോയൊ എന്നു സ്ംശയം ജനിച്ചെങ്കിലും പേരും വീട്ടുപേരുമൊക്കെ തന്റേതെന്നു തന്നെ ഉറപ്പിച്ചു.അങ്ങനെ ആ കണ്ണുകൾ മിഴിച്ചു വന്നു. പിന്നെ ചാരിക്കിടന്നു വാല്ലതൊരു എകന്തതയോടെ തലേദിവസത്തെക്കുറിച്ചു അലോച്ചിക്കാൻ തുദങ്ങി. ഉവു. തനിക്കും കിട്ടി ഒരു നോട്ടീസ്‌. അതുമായി ഒടുക്കം ഷാപ്പിലേക്കു കയറിചെല്ലുന്നതു ഓർമ്മയുണ്ടു, അല്ല പിന്നെയും.. ഒത്തിരി കുടിചു. ആരും കാശു ചോദിചില്ല. അതൊരൗദാര്യം പോലെയാണു. നോട്ടീസ്‌ കിട്ടുന്ന അന്നു ആർക്കും ഇഷ്ടം പൊലെ കുടിക്കാം. പിന്നെ എവിടെയൊക്കെയൊ ഒർമ്മകൾ മായുന്നു. എത്ര ശ്രമിചിട്ടും ഒർക്കാനാകുന്നില്ല. പിന്നെ അതൊരു വല്ലത്ത ഭയമായി ഉള്ളിൽ ഉരുണ്ടു കൂടുവാൻ തുടങ്ങി. പോകെ പോകെ താനും മരിചുവെന്ന സംശയം അയാളിൽ ബലപ്പെട്ടു.



eekaanthathyude oru vaardhakyathinu.

A GOOD BYE.

CHAPTER THREE.

A GOOD BYE.

Life is like a coconut

Pramu.

Almost one month had gone now, rules started violating and we enjoyed our freedom too. Life was as easy as it can, no worries, no exams, no studying, nothing. May be we all were getting adapted to the Ten Commandments, at least few of them. Even the rumors about internals were just started spreading, there were much more importance things to come like interuniversity sports and arts festivals. My interest was started fading, in academics of course, not because I was reluctant to study but it was hard to accept the fact that even in veterinary college they are teaching about few animals only, no wild life!

Above all at any moment you can expect an admission letter to one of the medical colleges also, as their recognition issues finally got solved. So there is nothing else to do other than enjoying the time as much as we can!

I was sitting at our corner, well most of the lovers preferred here and finally we got succeeded even though we were not, in the coffee house with Vineetha. The relation had evolved to a much closer friendship. Wise people say friendships are the footsteps to love. Still, even one month after the first impression this angel had created in my mind I was little improved. Pramu called it love, I enjoyed hearing that, she called me her best friend and I enjoyed listening to that too. After all sitting here in this lovers corner was much more relaxing than hearing Pramu’s blunders or facing doubts of Subin.

“Nath, I don’t know whether it’s love or something but I can’t stop thinking of someone.”

“What?”

“Guess who?”

Another shock? Whatever she is going to say I was least prepared to face that. If it was me I don’t even have the money to buy her one more ice cream. I sat like that, trying to calm down, I was sure that I’m gonna have a heart attack. Both ways!

“You know Jeffin?”

“Jeffin?” Where does that guy come from?

“He is our senior. You remember the love letter incident? It was him who made you wrote, to me.”

Incident? Just an Incident? I considered it as the turning point in my life. It was when I met the angel in my dreams. Every word in that sentence is a crap. MADE ME WRITE TO HER? How come? The letter was meant to everyone in the class. Of course it was me, not the inducer, whatever you call him, made it the letter to her. I feel like sinking, smothering, what not, I was dying.

“But it was me who wrote the letter”

Who is listening?

“Nath, he loves me very much. What should I say to him?”

Have you ever thought that, why the god made these girls so cruel? She crushed my love right here like anything and after that asking me, should I say yes to another guy.

The angel in my dreams was turning to a vampire.

“What you want to say?”

“You know.”

How come I know? The girl I knew was in love with me. I was expecting her to say that and surprise me at any moment.

“It’s already late.”

For the first time, I felt, six thirty is much late for a girl to return to the hostel.

“Yup. You know, I’m gonna call him today.”

I smiled. She went. Why doesn’t she pay the bill at least?

I sat there. Two more hours, six more coffees, and I was still in the coffee house.

“Seems like even your brain started working”

Pramu. I was expecting him.

“She said she loves jeffin.”

He stood there and thought for a moment. Then sat just beside me, still thinking.

“She went. I’m screwed, and what’s there for you to worry about?”

“Nath, I don’t know how to console you. I never know that you are in love with that girl.”

“It was you, who said I’m in love with her.’

“Who am I, interpreter of your heart?”

We both sat there. Coffee house was already closed; no more coffees and I wonder why this chap is sitting beside me.

And of a sudden he started talking,

“Nath, Life is always hard to face, still everyone have to. It never tastes like a chocolate; still everyone is fighting for it like ants. It’s never musical; still all sounds in it, it’s never like a great painting, still all colours in it. It’s never smooth as a feather to touch; it’s hard like... like a coconut!”

My eyes were wide open, and I was even started doubting about my existence right then.

“Pramu what happened? What was that all about?”

‘I don’t know. I just know this, ‘life is like a coconut’.”

I laughed and repeated. “Life is like a coconut.”

That sounds good. It made me feel better.

I again repeated. “Life is like a coconut.”

“Yes it is.” He started walking.

“Stop man; isn’t that a reason to enjoy?”

“Then louder.”

“LIFE IS LIKE A COCONUT!” We both shouted as loud as we can.

Well, that was enough to forget an angel or vampire, whatever!

* * * * * * * *

One month of veterinary life was enough to change me upside down. I was no more that shy, reluctant boy rather I felt I’m a man now! Every one has changed, even the ever doubting Subin become one of the smartest guys in our group. What I earned was just this confidence and nothing more. I did not study anything, not even a sentence. I have not seen any veterinary book not even any ‘suffering pet’. Still the life was great, hang outs in pig farms, mango forests, uphill evenings where else will you find them?

Even from the first day, may be because of the ragging sessions, the ‘you’ and ‘me’ had vanished and there remained only ‘us’. The selfishness accumulated in medical aspirants had slowly started decreasing. We were always ready to help, and of course we learned there is nothing to loose just by helping someone.

Memories of my veterinary life

oru manju thulli

ninne njanarinju
oru kunjil chiripol
neeyennil niranju
pinneyoru mazhayay peythirangi
nanavaoorum ormakalilennumennum..

നേര്‍ത്ത, നേര്‍ത്ത ഒരു മര്‍മ്മരം...

നേര്‍ത്ത, നേര്‍ത്ത ഒരു മര്‍മ്മരം...


കല്ലുകള്‍ പാകിയ പാതയോരത്തുകൂടി ഞങ്ങള്‍ വെറുതെ നടന്നു. സന്ധ്യയുടെ ഇളം ചുവപ്പില്‍ അവള്‍ കൂടുതല്‍ സുന്ദരിയായതായി എനിക്കു തോന്നി.കടലിന്റെ നേര്‍ത്ത ഇരംബല്‍ കാതില്‍ മുഴങ്ങുന്നു.അവളുടെ മുടിയിഴകളെ തഴുകുന്ന കാറ്റിനെ ഞാന്‍ അസൂയയോടെ നോക്കി .അവളുടെ മൌനം എന്നെ ഭയപ്പെടുത്തി.

'നമ്മള്‍ കുറച്ചേറെയായി നടക്കുന്നു.'

'ഉം'

'നീയെന്താ ഒന്നും പറയാത്തത്‌?'

'ഞനെന്താണു പറയേണ്ടത്‌?'

'നിനക്കെന്നെ കൂടുതല്‍ നന്നായി മനസ്സിലാക്കാനാകുമെന്നു ഞാന്‍ കരുതി.പലരും പറഞ്ഞു മടുത്ത കാരണങ്ങള്‍ തന്നെ നീയും ആവര്‍ത്തിക്കുന്നു.'

'ശരി,ഞാനെന്തു പറയണമെന്നു നീ ആഗ്രഹിക്കുന്നു?'

എനിക്കറിയില്ല അവള്‍ എന്തു പറയണമെന്ന്.. ഞാനവളുടെ കണ്ണുകളിലേക്കു നോക്കി. അവ നിറഞ്ഞിരുന്നു,അതെന്നെ അത്ഭുതപ്പെടുത്തി.

'അമ്മു,ഞാനിങ്ങനെ പറയുമെന്നു നീ പ്രതീക്ഷിച്ചിരുന്നോ?'

'അറിയില്ല,നീയെന്നും എന്റെ നല്ല സുഹ്രുത്തായിരുന്നു'

'പക്ഷെ അതു നിന്നെ അത്ഭുതപ്പെടുത്തിയില്ല,ഒട്ടും..'

അവള്‍ ചിരിച്ചു.

ഞാനവളെ എന്നും സ്നേഹിച്ചിരുന്നു.അവളോടൊത്തുള്ള ഓരോ നിമിഷവും എന്നില്‍ ആനന്ദം നിറച്ചു. ഞാന്‍ ജീവിതത്തെ അേറിഞ്ഞു.കുഞ്ഞുങ്ങളുടെ ചിരിയും പൂക്കളുടെ സൌണ്ടര്യവും ഞാന്‍ ആസ്വദിച്ചു.പ്രണയാര്‍ദ്രമായ ഗസലുകള്‍ എന്നില്‍ നിറഞ്ഞു.പുതുമഴയത്ത്‌ ഒരു കൊച്ചു കുട്ടിയുടെ ആവേശത്തോടെ മൈതാനത്തേക്കോടി കൈകള്‍ വിരിച്ചു മാനത്തേക്കു നോക്കി നനുത്ത മഴത്തുള്ളികള്‍ എറ്റു വാങ്ങി.. നിലാവെളിച്ചത്തില്‍,മഞ്ഞുപെയ്യുന്ന രാത്രികളിലും എന്റെ മട്ടുപ്പാവില്‍ നിവര്‍ന്നു കിടന്ന് മിന്നിത്തെലിയുന്ന നക്ഷത്രങ്ങളെ നോക്കി..
ഞാന്‍ പുഞ്ചിരിക്കുവാന്‍ തുടങ്ങിയിരിക്കുന്നു

'നാഥ്‌,എനിക്കു നിന്നെ നഷ്ടപ്പെടുത്താനാകില്ല,നീയെന്റെ ഏറ്റവും നല്ല സുഹ്രുത്താണു,പക്ഷെ....'


'ഞാനിപ്പൊഴും അങ്ങനെ തന്നെയാണു,അതെന്റെ പ്രണയത്തിനെതിരെന്നു ഞാന്‍ കരുതുന്നില്ല.'

'നീയിത്‌ മുന്‍പും പറഞ്ഞിരിക്കുന്നു'

'ഉവ്വ്‌, മറ്റൊരാളോട്‌. നിന്റെ സാന്നിധ്യത്തില്‍ തന്നെ, അത്‌ നിന്നെ നഷ്ടപ്പെടുവാന്‍ കാരണമാകുമോ എന്ന് ഞാന്‍ ഭയപ്പെട്ടു . അതിനാല്‍ ഞനെന്റെ പ്രണയം ഒരിക്കലും നിന്നൊടു പറഞ്ഞില്ല.'

ഒരു കുസ്രുതിച്ചിരിയൊടെ അവള്‍ ചോദിച്ചു,
'നീയിപ്പോഴും ആ കുട്ടിയെ ഇഷ്ടപെടുന്നുവോ?'

'അറിയില്ല,ആദ്യ പ്രണയം ആര്‍ക്കു
മറക്കുവാനാകും?ഒരു പക്ഷെ എന്റെ ഹ്രുദയത്തിനുള്ളില്‍ എവിടെയെങ്കിലും അവള്‍ മറഞ്ഞിരിക്കുന്നുണ്ടാകാം.ഇടക്കിടെ എന്റെ സ്വപ്നങ്ങളില്‍ കടന്നുവരുന്നു....'

'നീയതാഗ്രഹിക്കുന്നുവോ?'

ഞാന്‍ ഒന്നും പറഞ്ഞില്ല.

വീണ്ടും ഞങ്ങള്‍ക്കിടയില്‍ മൌനം നിറഞ്ഞു. തണുത്ത കാറ്റിന്റെ മര്‍മ്മരം മാത്രം കാതില്‍ മുഴങ്ങി.ഇരുള്‍ പടര്‍ന്നിരുന്നു. ഞാനവളുടെ കൈപിടിച്ച്‌ ഒരു ബഞ്ചിലിരുന്നു.

ഞാനെത്ര ആഗ്രഹിച്ചിരുന്നുവെന്നോ....ഇങ്ങനെ നിലാവുള്ള രാത്രിയില്‍ നിന്നൊടൊപ്പം,ഈ കടല്‍ക്കരയില്‍...

അവള്‍ മെല്ലെ എന്റെ തൊളിലേക്കു ചാഞ്ഞു.

'നീ ഇപ്പോഴും ആ കുട്ടിയെപ്പറ്റി ഓര്‍ക്കറുണ്ടൊ?'

'നമുക്കു,നമുക്ക്‌ മറ്റെന്തെങ്കിലും സംസാരിക്കാം.അമ്മു,നീ എന്നില്‍ നിന്നു ഒരുപാടകന്നതായി എനിക്കു തോന്നുന്നു. നമ്മള്‍ ഇങ്ങനെയൊന്നുമായിരുന്നില്ല....ഒരുപക്ഷെ ഞാനിങ്ങനെയൊന്നും പറയരുതായിരുന്നു അല്ലേ?എന്റെ വരികളില്‍ എന്നും നിന്നോടുള്ള പ്രണയം മാത്രമായിരുന്നു. നീയതു മനസ്സിലാക്കുന്നു എന്നു ഞാന്‍ കരുതി.'

ഊഴ്ന്നിറങ്ങുന്ന തണുപ്പ്‌. ഞാനവളെ ചേര്‍ത്തു പിടിച്ച്‌ ആ കവിളുകളില്‍ തലോടി.

'ഒരു തമാശ പറയട്ടെ,എനിക്കിപ്പോള്‍ തോന്നുന്നത്‌ നിന്റെ ചുണ്ടുകളില്‍ അമര്‍ത്തി ചുംബിക്കുവാനാണു...

'ഇത്‌ തമാശയാണോ?'

അവളുടെ സൌമ്ന്ദര്യം എന്നില്‍ ഭീതികലര്‍ന്ന ഒരാനന്ദം ജനിപ്പിച്ചു.എന്റെ ചുണ്ടുകള്‍ വിറക്കുന്നുണ്ടായിരുന്നു.

'അമ്മു,നിന്നെ ഞാനെന്റെ ജീവനെക്കാളേറെ സ്നേഹിക്കുന്നു.'

'ഒരുപാടു വൈകി., നമുക്കു പോകാം.'

'നീയൊന്നും പറഞ്ഞില്ല.'

'ശരി,പറയൂ... നിന്നെ ഞാനെങ്ങനെ വിശ്വസിക്കും?'


'മറ്റാരേക്കാള്‍ നന്നായി നിനക്കെന്നെ അറിയാം.'

അവളൊന്നും മിണ്ടിയില്ല. ഞാനവളുടെ കൈകളെ എന്റെ നെഞ്ചോടു ചെര്‍ത്തു വച്ചു..

'ഒരുപാട്‌ ഇഷ്ടങ്ങള്‍ക്കൊടുവില്‍ ഞാനെന്റെ പ്രണയം കണ്ടെത്തി.. ഞാനങ്ങനെ വിശ്വസിക്കട്ടെ?'

'ശ്രീ,നമുക്കു പോകാം....ഒരുപാട്‌ വൈകി.'

ഞാനവളുടെ കൈകള്‍ മുറുകെപ്പിടിച്ചു.കുതറിമാറാന്‍ ശ്രമിച്ച അവളെ ബലമായി എന്നോട്‌ ചേര്‍ത്ത്‌ ആ ചുണ്ടുകളില്‍ അമര്‍ത്തി ചുംബിച്ചു. എന്റെ മുഖത്തു വിയര്‍പ്പുകണങ്ങള്‍ ഉരുണ്ടുകൂടി....

കണ്ണുനീരിന്റെ നനവ്‌ എന്നെ ഉണര്‍ത്തി.

'നീയെന്താ അമ്മൂ,എന്നെ മനസ്സിലാക്കത്തത്‌?'

നിറഞ്ഞ കണ്ണുകളോടെ അവള്‍ എന്നെ നോക്കി,വിതുംബലോടെ എന്റെ മാറില്‍ ചാഞ്ഞു.

'നീയല്ലേ എന്നെ മനസ്സിലാക്കാതിരുന്നത്‌... നിന്നെയെനിക്കു നഷ്ടപ്പെടുമോ ഇനിയും....?'
അവള്‍ കരയുകയായിരുന്നു


'എനിക്കതിനാകില്ല ഒരിക്കലും...'

'ഞാനെങ്ങനെ വിശ്വസിക്കും....?'

എനിക്കൊന്നും പറയുവാന്‍ തോന്നിയില്ല.

'എന്നോടൊപ്പം വരൂ...'അവള്‍ എന്റെ കൈ പിടിച്ചു വലിച്ചു....

ഉപ്പുകലര്‍ന്ന നനവ്‌ എന്നില്‍ വ്യാപിച്ചു..കാറ്റിന്റെ മര്‍മ്മരവും തിരകളുടെ ഇരംബലും ഞാന്‍ കേട്ടില്ല.
എനിക്കവളെ നഷ്ടപ്പെടുത്തുവാനാകുമായിരുന്നില്ല.....ഒരിക്കലും.

How to defeat a Man!

How to defeat a man?

“Atha cet tvam imam dharmyam
sangramam na karisyasi
tatah sva-dharmam kirtim ca
hitva papam avapsyasi”

Bhagavad Gita; Chapter 2 verse 38

If, however, you do not fight this war, then you will certainly incur sins for neglecting your duties and thus lose your reputation as a fighter.

I already had lost the spirit to fight and the exhilaration of success seems to be far away now. Or else you should have the patients to wait, till the end and that too seems to be difficult, and in a battle you can never predict where or when the end would be. What history proved is a battle once began is forever! It passes through generations, the reason and the anger, some ways or other. When mind started blowing, heart started aching there came the patience to think. How to defeat someone? As you can find many vultures crueler than you ever heard, in your little earth now, let’s talk about bigger, yet smaller things, life and relations!

Is it always true that true life never produce enemies? Me and you, lives here in a much complicated era and in such a complex world and how far will you expect always the good from everyone? Moreover how far would you expect you to behave at your best? It’s true that many a times egos are the root of all and being egoistic is always a normal behavior. After all this is the same ego which made the human being the rulers of earth too. What else can’t be the reason? Every human emotion, for some that ends in nine and for some ninety nine or even more, may end up finally in failure of a relation, and it’s the ego, plays there to create a battle field and a war begins! The reasons, the warrior, the supportive, the enemy all become well defined and it moves on, forever. What I’m going to tell you is about a necessity for all fights, a weapon, something difficult to describe when the war comes to relations!

You with your five year old son, was busy at a shopping complex and suddenly you finds him stuck at the toys corner even though he already have a bunch in his bag and your ignorance makes him sad, sadness turns to tears, and as time passes by the voice of his sadness and your anger both increases and finally where it ends? You will say, dear son whatever you said I’m not going to buy that for you and better to stop cry. If you are a mom of five year old you very well know that’s not going to end there. Then he will push out his last weapon, sometimes may starts to bite his hand, or else starts to hold breath or even may starts to scratch you. Then you, being tired, aware of the people looking at you, finally brings that toy for him. This is what usually happens. But behavioral science studies say that, the better way is not to respond like this. Let him cry, and remind him, dear when you finished crying please be at the ground floor, I’ll be buying vegetables from there and then we will go home together, of course with out the toy! Better not in the way that it saves money but that teaches him, this is not the best way to fight. Let him invent new things! Now your son grown up, as a youth he might be in need of many things. Then the better way will be an open discussion rather than a definite NO. Never brings the feeling that your final decision is a NO but bring the discussions, and by discussions his mind to a NO, if his need is out of your budget and not a necessity. Let’s grow up from simple to complex situations.

You gave all your love to a girl and after utilizing the last bit of you she leaves with out even saying a good bye, and there you are! Loosing everything, even last ray of hope finding resorts in alcohol or smoking or may be drugs too. Or even if you are not, her father might have started picturizing you like that, because he too needs a reason. Of course difficult but the best way to fight is patience. Kill each and every second; try to forget even the last bit of your moments together. If, there was a definite reason for her bye, she will come back one day. You may choose her or you may leave, the surprising thing is in both cases you win! If she did not come back, start smiling. She might be digging up her pits, because not only you, the next person in her life too will be bothered about her past, and even if he is not, don’t worry. Someone who left you with out a reason will leave every relation like that! If he is, some or the other day you will become the major reason for their fight and the YOU start growing once again in her life both as bad and as good. Bad in the sense you are the reason behind all, and good because you were better! You will heard about this one day and still be patient. Finally he will come to you with out any reason. Still you have two options; you can wind up everything by throwing whatever worst you have as a proof to his face with a smile. The second is much easier; you don’t have to answer anything. Just gift him a smile. That itself is enough to burn such a disturbed mind and he himself will wind up everything. And if he never came to know about all these or he is least bothered about them, well then try to be a good friend of him. Never do anything else, time will do the rest. When she comes back, what will be the best way? Never left her and never grab her too. Walk with her, living a better life than her. Loving your wife, far more than you did once! All we did here is waiting for the right moment to come. Never think that I speak for guys, if you are a girl, the principle is the same, patience.

To stop a relation, best thing is to avoid. Don’t do anything. Pretend that you never knew the other. Forget every favor you received. Let the ego to grow in him and if he is a man, the ego itself will kill him, and if it’s a woman she might have already dead, if the relation was really a deep one. But avoid only if you have the confidence and strength face a probable revenge in the future, and if you are not well enough, convert that relation to something lighter. Well as you all no, a love to friendship. A deep and frequent one to occasional, then to rare, and then to never.

Am I being rude? You’ll have to be sometimes, because in ninety percent of cases only one person will be truthful and only the other will suffer. To survive, we should learn to forget, to be patient, and to act at the right moment.

What if you are the one behind all? Many a times cheating may be just some stupid act of a moment; it might be the outcome of a long term failure of a relationship, or with out a reason at all. Whatever the reason is, happened is happened and the wise way is to forget it until the one cheated by you comes with a definite proof and asks you. Still you have chances, if he really loves you and worth in your future confess him, but never did before that because an earlier confession makes only the situation worst and you are still not sure about the existence of heaven or hell. You should carry the guilt with in you as far as possible, and remember it is you who carries the burden, not the other one. In all cases, never repeat that again. Try to become a better person there onwards. If you are going on cheating the other, then definitely you should end up that relation as early as possible because he is definitely not the one and it will be necessary for your own existence too. If you want to end up things, make it least dramatic. Better to be silent, if you eulogize, he will come back again and if you did the opposite, he will take revenge one day. If you are the one who is cheated, no discussion is needed; no need to wait for any explanations, no ways a reunion will be successful, so just end that relation because it is much more important to love ourselves than anyone else. Of course, that is essential for survival.

In any case you were not able to find out your real enemy, then analyze from the root. Never aim unless you have a specific target and unless you study it properly. If what you have to opposite is a group, and the leader is stronger than you, try to compromise with everyone who is stronger, then split and rule. Of course, the strategy is the same, ‘split and rule’.

How to win someone not in your level? Well, it depends. A mother will fall on tears. A man may or may not be. It is cruel, still the only way, break his heart and to that you should always have a final resort with you and never depend on it until the last moment. If you failed in that you will fail forever. In relations, always that will be a bitter fact, or else a truth unknown. Defeating someone should mean defeating forever. No phoenix should rebirth from the ashes. A falling enemy will never face you again, start doing foolish things again and again, always try to threaten you, and will spoil himself. Be patient, realize the victory is near and ensure it is complete, and then relax.

Finally in every relation, to defeat; break the heart, to win; love, to kill; cheat, to spoil; avoid, to be secure and happy; forgive, and to revenge, wait. Wait for the right moment to act with patience.

Nathan ; june 08

Dedicated to a father and a daughter

My name is Jovelyn Cabilao

My name is Jovelyn Cabilao. I live in Cebu, Philippines. I’m 18 years old, fair, slim and I’ve blue wide eyes. I’m a prostitute.
In my olden days, in fact just a few years back from now, when I was with my parents in the village near Cabria Lake, everyone called me beautiful. I know I’m beautiful. My eyes are wide and lips just as enough and red, not like most of other Philippine girls. That’s why everyone called me beautiful and when I passed near Cebore’s parlor, on my school days, young (and old too) men suddenly fall in silence and start looking at me. This was usual, I know I am beautiful and so I paid little attention towards them.
When I turned 17, I became fatherless. He did not died but he left us, me, my mother; she was also beautiful like me but a little older and my younger sister, her name is Marine. So, all of a sudden responsibilities fell on my head, I was just seventeen but as it was a common thing there, no one bothered at all. I tried for a job almost whole the year and finally I ended up as a prostitute, just like any other poor Philippine girl of my age. In fact I’m not a prostitute, after all I’ve decided to become one a week back, last Wednesday morning, after I took advice from my best friend, I prefer not to mention her name, she also works as one. I’m still a virgin and my friend too. Oh… she might be I’m not sure. I’m not talking about the prostitute you all think, it’s different. It’s called a cam girl. Well, others work here like me, they are many, may not agree with the term prostitute but I believe, to become a prostitute you don’t have to sleep with a man actually. Even at first, when Cianna told me about this job, oops I mistakenly told her name, I was not ready to agree. Finally I thought, what’s wrong with this anyway, after all I’m not becoming a prostitute! But after I started doing this, I really felt like one. It is not a disgusting feeling because no one in Philippines, except Cianna (she won’t tell this to anyone) knows about my job and it is a happy thing as far as my world and my dreams are limited to Philippines.
The Job is pretty simple; I’ll have to undress before a cam (a webcam not the man behind!) and has to do whatever my customer wants me to. After all it was a solo job, and even if I really enjoyed what I do I’ll never felt awkward. I very well know mistakes are mistakes only if someone comes to know about it. Cianna told they will pay in advance and if they don’t never ever do the job. We don’t have a credit card; we even don’t have a bank account so we all relied on xoom, a money transfer website.
I never get paid for the first job I did, I was cheated on that day by a well looking guy, and he told his name Simon, from Texas. Texas is in America and I heard that people in America are rich and what I asked was just 25 $(not ‘just 25$ for me, it’s a big amount here, but for him definitely).
He cheated me. Well, I believed he was cheating me till this afternoon.
I was nervous, and not well educated with computers. Cianna taught me the basics and when she went to her province agreed to give her computer for a few days to me. That was enough, minimum 25 $ a day, you may get even more, and like that for the whole week, enough for one or two months right? I’ll even be able save some for my family too. Cianna had advised me not to spend much because the first thing I’ve to do is to buy a computer. Oh she is much reluctant in borrowing her to me I thought. Even though it was my first attempt and I was not well prepared but I managed to found one on yahoo chat and that is Simon, I told you the man who cheated me.

He was very fast and direct in moving things. No wonder in calling them, the westerners shameless I thought. But it was my fault too,
“I asked him, will you help me hon.”
Any man can easily understand the meaning if a girl of my age, on a midnight, with a cam asking you directly like that. So I can’t blame him fully. But the westerners are shameless. I know that, don’t ask me why.
“Well, what is the advantage in helping a Philippine girl whom I never seen before and probably even not in the future?”
“I’m a cam girl”
I never knew that he was teasing me.
“What does it mean?”
“I’ll show you.”
“But I can see you even now.”
“Not like this. I’ll show you everything.”
“What if I’m not interested?”
Not interested? I’m hearing such a word from a man for the first time in my life. I’m the most beautiful girl in my village (even now! Even though I left my village, I know that) and I thought everyone is interested in me. I was about to show everything, everything which I kept with myself for all these years to this man for the first time, just for 25 $ and he is not interested? I worth more. I felt.
“I don’t know.”
He smiled. “I’ll send the money as a help. But not for free, you do what you said. Ok?”
“Yes I’ll but first help me.” I was turning to be a prostitute. I smelled that change in me.
“Ok, how much?”
“50 $”
“20?”
“40”
“30?”
“Ok, send me.” Oh god, I worth 30 $!

“Wait for a second. I’ll make the transaction now, gimme you address.”
I waited. I was happy and I was sad. He too had a cam and I was seeing him. He never seems to be an American, he had black hair like me, but he was fair. The first one in my life I thought. The man! Suddenly I started developing affection towards him, I felt the change. Will prostitutes really enjoy their customers? I don’t know. After all this was my first ever experience, as a prostitute (cam girl, I’m not a prostitute!) and as a women too. He seems to be busy with the transaction, I was observing him. His eyes had a magical attraction in them, they were black and his smile was beautiful too. Clean shaved even though the greenish tint of growing hairs had started spreading, I felt them on my cheek, on my neck and all over me. I kissed him, “I love you.”
He smiled. “Done honey, so that’s it. I did what I promised and now it is your turn.”
“Can you send me the receipt to my mail dear?”
“Sure, and the transaction id is X1288-976-9764-8865”
“Have you put a secret word for transaction?”
“Yes, angel”
“Tell me the word”
“Angel. I told you”
“Angel?”
“Now it’s your turn. Common kiss me. Kiss me on my lips.”
I did. I never told him that I was a virgin. I never told him he was the first man in my life. I never told him I was hungry and haven’t had food since noon. I never told him that I really started loving him. I don’t know why, but I knew I really loved him that day. May be because he was rich. Or may be because… well, I don’t know.
I did everything he asked me to. Sometimes I surprised hearing certain things, I was never used to them, I was seeing myself like that for the first time in my life and I laughed most of the time. He enjoyed that. Sex is beautiful. I thought. Oh, sex might be. I’m still a virgin, you know. I told you westerners are shameless. You understood why?
I was tired. I felt sleepy. I just wanted to sleep, right beside him, hugging him. I know he is in a cam and I thought if men could come out of cams when we really need them, it would be nice.
“Are you tired honey?”
“Have you enjoyed?”
He smiled. He told something else.
“I thought you’ll cheat me. I thought you are waiting to say a good bye after receiving that receipt.”
“I dint and I was not.”
I never said him how much I enjoyed that day with him, after all I’m a women right? We should not express our feelings just like that.
“Can I ask you something? What if I was cheating you? What if the receipt I send you was a fake?”
“What?”
I dint know what to say. What if you gave everything to a man believing that he is the one and finally realizes everything was just a fake? Well here the situation may be different; I might be a prostitute (I’m not. I’m a cam girl. Don’t even dare to call me a prostitute.) But I really felt like that. I started crying.
“Why dint you checked the transaction with that track number?”
“I believed you.”
“Well, I’ll tell you something. Jovelyn, never ever believe anyone in your life.”
I was tired. I was hungry. I dint have the energy to argue with him. I sat there with blank eyes.
“Will you help me?”
He dint even noticed. He continued,
“I was nice, truthful and trustworthy once. I loved a girl for one year just to realize finally that I was not the only one in her life. I cried a lot. Men are not supposed to cry right? Then what will they do if they can’t hold it? I tried to end up everything in a moment. Failed in that attempt too, again to realize the existing everlasting loneliness in me and nothing is going to make any difference. Life always wants you to face things unexpectedly right?”
“But I was truthful. I never cheated you. I did what I promised.”
“Do you expect me to send you the money?”
“Will you?”
“Do you trust me?”
“I have to. I’ve no other way.”
“Then listen, I want to do once again. Help me. Sit their naked. Do what I say.”
I again felt sad more than because of the feeling that I was cheated; it was hard to realize that this man is considering me as a prostitute.
“What are you thinking about me man?” I was not rude. I was tired.
“Shut up. Do what I say. You already lost 30$, and if you obey me few minutes more you’ll get more. Trust me or just leave with empty hands.”
Obey? This is my body. I’m not a prostitute. Who is this man to order me?
I dint say anything. I woke up, undressed myself, this time slowly because I was tired and lost, went and sat on my bed just looking at him. Those eyes were supposed to be dark and beautiful for me but I just felt them just dark now. I looked at them; I sat there, watching myself to be utilized.
When he did he asked me,
“What if I was cheating you twice?”
I smiled this time.
“Well, did you enjoy doing with me dear?”
I closed the window. Shut down my computer. Fell to my bed crying, this time, louder. I don’t know why I was crying but I know it was never because I lost the money. After that I started feeling like a prostitute, much more than before, even though I never attempted that again. May be because I got a job as a stenographer next day (well it won’t give you 25$ a day, but I was happy) or may be because of that day, or may be… I really don’t know.
I almost forgot everything. But I knew, there was something missing in me after that night, I was still a virgin but I felt I’m not. I lose my confidence to avoid guys looking at me; rather I felt my self down. I know I haven’t lost anything that night still the feeling was hard avoid. Truly this was happening to me for whole this week.
Today, Cianna visited me at my office. After we had coffee from the canteen, she asked me, “You said, you never did that again. Right?”
“How? You know, I even don’t have a computer and I lost interest in all those. Now I enjoy this job too”
“Then how did you find a friend from India?”
She picked up a packet from her bag, a big one, addressed Miss Jovelyn Cabilao from Cebu, that’s me. It was from someone in India; we tried with the best of our knowledge but failed to pronounce the long name written on it.
“India?”
We opened it, to my surprise a nice white kurthi (‘kurthi’ as written on the label, it’s the first time I’m seeing such a thing anyway, it has nice embroidery works in it) and a long white frock with several folding. There were nice pearls and small crystals attached to it. Definitely a costly one, something which I couldn’t even dreamt of in my life. There was a message too on a small paper,
“To an angel, I cheated twice on a night.”
Now I’m wearing that dress now. Almost three hours passed, I’m still sitting in front of the mirror.
Probably I’ll never meet him again in my life but now he is here, I can feel his breath right on the nape of my neck, it was like, it was like ‘a prostitute suddenly becomes an angel’!
I don’t understand the reason why he sent this to me, if he really wanted to cheat. I never understood him.
Probably the girl once he loved too.

Love always,
Jovelyn Cabilao.



Dedicated to Jovelyn Cabilao, the girl I cheated twice on a night.

Missing Beats

CHAPTER TWO

Missing Beats.

After all tomorrow is another day!

Mitchell, Margaret.

Gone with the wind

So the task is assigned and all I’ve to do is to write a love letter. Not simply a love letter but a letter with some standards so that it can be used for future purposes also.

“He can do it. He is a master in writing” seems the great CA has started envying my freedom.

“For god’s sake, how come you know my dear friend?” even though writing a letter is not a Herculean task I just got irritated with that response.

“You should have some abilities man! You try, you’ll become one.” He is always funny.

In fact the problem was not the letter, as per the experience till to date I have already assumed that the task wont be that simple anyway. What will they do to complicate it?

They may ask me to write it with my left hand. Or else they may ask me to write it with….. They may even go to that extent. Help me god!

My fears were worthless. It was simply a love letter.

“But to whom?”

I never thought that will be violation of the first rule and immediately I got the reward too.

“Whom? You are gonna give it to the whole sixty three and each copy should get signed in its back and must return to me with in 24 hours!”

Enough to keep me busy for whole the day! Still seems good. Loving all of them at the same time. Sixty three girls and the one and only me! Hare Krishna!

Do they have any divine ability to read our thoughts too?

“See, what I told you is all about writing a letter and never take it as a freedom to violate the rules. They are still your sisters.”

Whatever!

Honey,

How long does it take to steal one small piece of an unknown heart?

42 hours? By that time, in minutes precisely, which comes around 2520, my heart might have beaten 2520x 72 +/- standard deviation 40 times, and to my surprise I realized some of them were missing! It was a mystery until last midnight, when I found a little girl hiding a piece of my heart in her hands! As beautiful as an angel, her eyes were shining like diamonds! She smiled, kissed me and then flew away. Right from that moment I was searching for those eyes, and finally here I’m. I never ever thought it was you!

So, you have been caught! You know I don’t like harassing girls, so you can keep that with you. I just need answer to this one,

“Are you gonna hold it forever?”

“Hmm. Not bad. Anyway, as a senior, just because of the love and concern that I have, I’m advising you, please please don’t attempt this anymore. What does it mean in fact? ”

I already had lost a piece of my heart and now this guy is playing with the rest! He walked away.

“Hey, that’s why I told you are a master in writing!” Now it’s my best friend’s turn.

“No one will understand, what you really meant! But I’m damn sure that your mother is teaching mathematics! ”

“My grand father was also a math teacher”

“So it’s genetic”

I smiled.

Anyway the task was still not completed and of course pramu is there to help you! He already had two thirds of the photocopies with him. I satisfied with the rest.

“Who wrote this?”

“A senior interested in you”

“What’s his name?”

“Depends!”

The job soon turned pretty boring. Every girl turned an angel receiving that letter.

They need explanations, assurance and of course some flattering before the letter got signed. I’m damn sure, if it was a legal document or something, they may not even look at the first sentence, even if it’s a trap, crap or whatever! Stupid girls!

“Tired?”

I was sitting on the last bench, alone leaving all those letters with pramu. Mind was wandering somewhere else, and it took time to come back.

“You? I mean who you are. Nope what are you doing here I mean I’m tired!”

It was much a pretty face and I wondered why I dint noticed that yet.

“You have one for me too?”

She sat beside me. As beautiful as an angel, with wide shining eyes, and long curly hairs goes some where hugging those neck n shoulders.

“You are really beautiful!”

“Well, that’s not the answer to my question.”

“Yup, of course I’ve.” I took the original copy from my pocket, stroked those ‘42 hours’, and wrote ‘you were much faster. It just took 3 seconds’ and gave it to her.

She laughed. “Can I keep it with me?”

“It was really meant to you angel!”

She continued laughing.

“Vineetha, that’s what people usually call me!”

* * * * * * * *

It was the first love letter in my life and who knows that might be the turning point in my life too. Nineteen years of bachelor life is well enough for a man to find out the reason for those missing beats. I was always reluctant, shy even though not that bad enough to draw no one’s attention. I don’t know how truthful I’ll be saying nineteen years of bachelor life. My love life had begun even earlier, say right from the age eight. Of course I was in third standard, and on a fine morning I developed crush towards her. I’m sorry that I can’t remember her name, but I still remember the frock she was wearing that day had nice roses stitched on it. After six long months of love life, even though I never talked to her after that day; I opened my heart with a big greeting card on Christmas. No loves printed on it, no words to talk for me but it was big. Definitely indicating how much I love her! Sometimes life is so cruel, even to someone like me, just turning nine, a little boy, not even grown up to face this hard life. The card I got in return was the smallest one I’ve ever seen in my life! I never knew, still I don’t know what she meant by that. Sometimes we might have the same way of thinking! Anyway that was enough to indicate her feeling towards me. You know, life is hard, and still I survived.

Then I grew from that little boy as years passed. I learned to throw flying kisses, I mastered the art of whizzing, and above all my vocabulary was improving day by day. We found the same word can have different meanings, and what is hidden is always beautiful than what is shown. I learned to imagine, and to compose theories based on that. We discussed, each came with evidences sometimes bit of an article, or else a small pic from somewhere. Still we all knew there is still plenty to learn!

By seventh I learned, simply by hugging and laying together you can’t have babies!

“For that, you have to fuck man, fuck!” I’m still thankful to our big, fat Kumar for the information.

“But how?”

“Much complicated! You won’t understand it now.” We all respected him, and no one have the courage to ask more.

Now I wonder where the love had been gone all those days! We all were, chronic bachelors and what we just had was curiosity and you know, thrush to learn.

When I turned thirteen, it started to blow again. After a long search for two years, I found one. In fact she just fell in front, as if the al mighty finally started throwing mercy up on me. I was on my way to tuition classes and suddenly a girl came to me riding a cycle just to land it in front of me right on the ground.

“Hi, I was riding my bicycle” she said, while patting dust on her salwaar.

“Well, by the way you landed; I thought it was an aero plane”

She smiled, slowly picked up that cycle and this time not attempting to ride, and moved pushing it aside.

“I know you; your mother is a teacher, right?”

Well, she knows me too. She was beautiful and what else you need. A beautiful girl is landing in front of you and says ‘I know you’!

I always kept that secret with me that I was searching for that (or someone like?) girl for the whole damn two years! I never told her that I love her, I never wrote a letter. Don’t ask me why, you know I was just afraid!

And another two years of love life ended just like that, with two friendship cards!

Well she always called me friend, and I never disagreed. After all a friendship was well enough for me, what I need was just her presence.

Even though those were just a few ‘accidental’ meetings!

Now, at nineteen, no more a teen, I’m sitting here in this last bench, wondering what just happened was a dream or not.

.