CHAPTER ONE
Ah Ha!
Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable.
Plato.
“This always happens with you Nath. You begins the journey much excited, too confident, always lazy, and finally ends up like somewhere here a little behind the destination”
I was walking with my mom and brother both accompanying me to the new college,
Beside the national highway, a four liner, niggling across a thousand street sellers.
All seen were new to me, so interesting.
“I’m talking to you Nath, this is your future”
He continued.
At the age of nineteen who the hell is much aware of the future, for someone like me it’s something that will be happening after a thousand years,’ future’!
“This sounds good to me, after all veterinary doctors are also doctors right?”
I smirked at mom.
That did not feel funny to her,
“So you’ve decided?” Mom opened her mouth
“Yes” I was damn confident.
“Well, it’s all up to you” she always stood with her children.
By the time we had reached the entrance of my new destination, as the name says,
College of Veterinary Sciences, Mannuthy.
I was one among the successful candidate of the previous year medical entrance exam, holder of a reasonably good rank. Not successful enough to grab a seat in the medical college, still not enough to grab one in a dental college either and as my brother said, a little behind the destination ended up here in this veterinary college.
“It was not my fault anyway; they are not admitting students to two medical colleges this year due to some recognition issues.” I tried to cover up the fact that I could have a better rank. But I can’t, I know, everyone knows coz I’m Sreenath Narayan, who always land his ass a little behind where it actually meant to be. So here I’m.
For a widow who was born, grew, lived and now runs a middle class family who suffered lot in her life and for a budding engineer, a doctor from the family will be a great thing.
For me too, but this too sound good for me.
“Well guys, welcome to the world of animals, the real humanitarians.” The Dean’s voice echoed over the walls of that small auditorium. That voice itself was enough to convince what he just finished now. “Wow I never heard a buffalo voice over microphones.”
I murmured.
“You said it man!”
A lean hand fell over my shoulder just to give a knock at my head
I discovered there origin, that were from the charm, fair, short boy just behind me
“Thanks for the gift, but it hurts” I said
“Pramod, call me pramu”
“Why should I?” I was just recovering from that knock.
“Because nice people do”
“So am I” I smiled.
And the admission procedures were over in an hour or two and much of the time was stolen for the buffalo speech, still it was interesting. Of course during the rest, I was busy talking to my new friend. He was the happiest guy I ever met in my life, always finding something funny about the world around him.
Mom and brother left, leaving behind me in a strange world, a world of animals as the dean said, alone with his luggage in the nastiest room he saw ever in his life, furnished with mural paintings which were modified through ages by several hands and rare manuscripts that you wont find anywhere else other than a veterinary college hostel room. Well we only have one in the state and hence it rules!
* * * * * * * *
“Expand BVSc &AH”
The question was straight to me and it came from an organ hidden somewhere behind a large mustache. It was one thirty in the midnight, right at the corner of our hostel corridor and I was standing with twenty to thirty of my batch mates, exactly like prisoners who just entered the quantinamo.
I lifted my chin, stared at him as if I’m asking ‘this was all about?’ In the middle f this chilling night, I’m standing here as if I was just came out of my mothers womb, with out even a bit of cloth to cover my chubby body and this guy wanted to know the full form of our course!
I said, “Bachelor of veterinary sciences and animal husbandry.”
“Hmm.” he turned to the next, then to next. All came out with the same answer. After all we are all aware of our course name at least.
“You fat little fuckers, the standard is going down day by day, and I have to start from the basics”
He occupied himself in a broken chair in the corner and continued. “Well, let me introduce myself. I’m Professor First fuck and I’ll be dealing with basic sciences this year. You can call me Fifu.”
“I like that, Fifu, sound funny na?” it was pramu.
“See, I want complete silence in my class and who the F is talking there?”
He got caught. “All the best friend” I gave him the best I can.
“Come here. You little cute” he make him stand in front of us and started patting his ass, naked ass! Even though we were all naked and trying to cover as much as with the two hands (damn it, can you believe that? just two hands to cover all this 75kgs!)
It was nice to see my best friend facing us like that.
“What is your name dude?”
“Pramod sir”
“Ok, from now onwards you are not just Pramod, you will be called the CA, Common Ass” he continued patting over the common property he proclaimed just now.
He repeated
“What is your name dude?”
“I’m Promod, the Common Ass Sir!”
“I like you man! See guys this CA is not just the CA now, he will be the guinea pig for our experiments, the specimen for our descriptions for the whole year ahead! Salute him!’
We all did.
“So, back to lessons. Anyone knows the expansion of BVSc & AH? No? Think guys!”
He was losing his patience.
“Let’s take it one by one; we are all bachelors so obviously B must stand for Batchelor! What this fucking bachelor life is all about? There comes the ‘V’ thing, vanam man vanam!”
“What’s that?” The guy next to me asked me.
“Rocket, A fire cracker and mostly MASTURBATION!” it just came out as a reflux.
“God! Damn it!”
“So, BVSc is Bachelor of vanamadi sciences.” After all that is all about the Batchelor life isn’t?
He sobbed.
“AH? Nothing but Ah Ha!” always that follows an episode. Isn’t dude?”
The question was to our CA
“Yes sir!”
“Then say Ah Ha!”
We all did. And by the first lesson we all learned what this whole fucking bachelor life is about and yes we all realized, this is all about the year ahead also, Ah Ha!
“Dear students, today I’ll end up this class with one more lesson, in fact I’ll show you something.”
He led us to the window and pointed towards the left, there stands the great clock tower of our college.
“Listen every man has a clock tower which he always proud of, and so our great college too. Salute it!”
We all did.
‘What’s that?” still, the one next to me.
No one replied. Everyone was standing there right beside the window, in the ice cold midnight looking at the great creation, wondering how far an imagination can go.
“Great man! Just great!” seems, the guy himself found the answer.
* * * * * * *
Knock! Knock!
It was just six thirty in the morning, and we all were late to bed after the great lessons of professor Fifu.
“Who the hell is that?”
“Post!”
This early? What happened to postal department? Are they nuts or something?
I opened the door.
“YOU???” the guy with never ending doubts!
“When did you appointed as the postman?”
“Well, just after the class. You all went to bed and I went to our professor to clarify about that last thing. My lessons continued, met three more professors, associate professors, lecturers and I don’t know, they were so many!”
“You stupid?”
What a nice morning! I never expected to meet the greatest fool or else the most innocent I ever knew in the very next day in the campus itself.
“After those three exhausting hours I learned one lesson. Just one, but the greatest in my life! NEVER EVER QUESTION YOUR SENIORS!”
In fact it was the first time I’m having such a long talk with this guy, after all it was just the second day here, but he continued as if we knew for years!
“I even cleaned three toilets yesterday man!”
“Leave it …” forgot to ask his name.
“Subin. Now the official post man of our hostel”
“Well, I’m Nath. Anyway what the mail is about?”
“Yup, forgot that. We all are requested to follow the 10 commandments for the next academic year. Here is your copy.”
I officially received my copy, to my surprise handwritten and that too in a neat handwriting.
“Who prepared this?”
Subin was busy talking to his next ‘addressee’.
“I was not the only one with doubts and poor chap he prepared for four or five coming batches also!”
I laughed, well realizing that my chance won’t be too far.
The Ten Commandments.
1. Never ever question your seniors. Just follow.
(You have living examples of consequences!)
2. Never waste your time. Be right back in the hostel after the classes.
(We have assignments to complete, Records to draw and of course much more lessons to teach!)
3. Consider your batch mates as your sisters.
(They are our property)
4. No lecture notes
(Why do they invent Xerox machines?)
5. You are prohibited in following places.
A. Coffee house. (Our hang out)
B. Gymnasium (We are not prepared for a fight)
C. Bar (Give us money; you will be served on an affordable service charge of 3
Pegs for each peg served.)
D. Appukuttan’s point. (Always a mystery for juniors)
E. Shanthi aunt’s home. (Oops! She is already busy)
6. You are not supposed to use the playground unless otherwise your seniors are short of playmates. (You practice picking up our boundaries man!)
7. Never open your books until the eve of your exams, exams which are considered necessary for a pass.
(Never increase the work load of your teachers by answering all class tests.)
8. You are not supposed to wear any branded clothing, perfumes, shampoos or whatever.
(You are requested to use your brush and tooth paste regularly!)
9. Never go alone to the following places. Ask at least one of your seniors to accompany you
A. Cinema theater
B. Ice Cream/Pizza/Burger parlors.
(We are all happy to help you. Never hesitate to seek help.)
10. Don’t laugh.
11.
(This space is intentionally left blank. You can expect anything at anytime. )
“That all comes to eleven. Right?”
“Shut up.” Pramu was busy walking to the class.
“Nath, do one thing. Read the first one and then count once again.”
Oh. That explains everything.
It was just seven thirty and why he is so busy anyway.
“Hello, are you that interested in cat n cows?”
He stopped. Slowly turned around, move his mouth closer to my ears and said as quiet as he can.
“Man, yesterday I got one great secret from Professor Fufi. See our girls also have these 10 commandments and you know what the eighth one is all about?”
I read it once again. “You are not supposed to wear…”
“Yes man, yes they have one more thing in that list.”
“What exactly is that?”
“What exactly you want?”
“A top?”
“No. They are not that liberal. It’s something useless. Still they all wear it inside.”
“REALLY?”
“Yes, you got it. Now quick!”
Even my foot steps were getting faster and of course heart started rushing.
We reached our class almost thirty minutes earlier and to our surprise it was already house full! Even the girls were already present. Naturally and also due to an inherent reflux which all great guys possess we moved to the last bench. There was only one man; he introduced himself as Raghu Ram. As lean as a pencil and as dark as it’s tip.
“So guys, you also heard about the gender modifications of the eighth commandment?”
“No just because we are a little more studious.” Pramu already had an answer. Well he is always quick, I thought.
“Anyway that was a lie. We scanned the whole sixty three sitting there!”
We both were speechless.
* * * * * *
i have got a lot more to say, well if you listen....
